Chocolachillie

Entries from November 2008

Newsflash

November 17, 2008 · 4 Comments

I’m still here. I’m still here.

Thank you for all the wonderful messages on Loren’s birthday. The day was sad. Of course. But we all did our best to make it less so with cake and good memories and the knowledge that nobody’s life is ever lived in vain.

Lots of news that must be told.

There’s A.R.K. A random act of kindness to parents of kids with CP. An initiative from Carina.
We’re moving in five days and the house stuff isn’t even halfway packed yet. Why is it only when I move that I wonder why I have so much…STUFF?
There’s a nice little discussion on the Shack that I’d like to share some tidbits of.

Currently though I’m drowning in washing after a weekend at the beach and the carpets need a good vacuum.

So, more later.

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Celebration

November 5, 2008 · 7 Comments

I woke up this morning before the others and as I lay awake in the pre-dawn I allowed myself the grieving there isn’t time for otherwise.

That was the exact time I was in labour with Loren and everything was so full of promise. I allowed myself a little daydream where everything worked out the way it should have. But it didn’t. And I apologised to him. And then I relived all the bad parts of his life and I apologised for that too. And I relived his death and it was so hard.

I always had this vision of a third birthday party for him where he was riding his little scooter and playing with friends and with Marco and our third baby was sitting on my hip. Except, she was a curly-haired little girl. (It isn’t that I wish Magnus was a girl. It feels so right for him to be a boy, not a boy to replace Loren, but a boy because of the particular energy little boys project and because we need that.)There was a cake and laughter and joy. Death didn’t feature in that vision.

Last night Marco and I talked about him before we went to bed. I said that I wanted to bake Loren a cake for his birthday today and asked Marco what he think Loren would have liked.

“Maybe a train?” he suggested.

“No, “he said after thinking a bit. “A balloon cake. He would have liked a balloon cake.”

And so a balloon cake it shall be. A red one. Or maybe orange?

Later I thought of where he is now.

And, unbidden, the same old message was sent through:

“Trust Me.”
And a smaller voice: “Mama, don’t be sad.”

If I could trust God with Loren’s life, then I have to trust Him with his soul. There’s nothing else. Only the hope of reunion.

So, no more crying. We have a birthday to celebrate.

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Mutli – for Nikita, Larissa and Logan

November 3, 2008 · 3 Comments

Mutli was the first and last Scottish Terrier I knew really well. The name Mutli is derived from the Sothu word mutle – which means beautiful. Never mind beautiful, when I first saw Mutli, I thought she was the funniest-looking puppy I’d ever seen.

Not yet cut into the typical Scottish Terrier shape, her coarse black hair grew into a thatch with a long nose and two eyes peeking out from underneath. But I dared not say that to her face, because I was going to share a house with her owner. An owner I’d only met once. It was testament to the naivety of youth that it never occurred to either of us that we could be setting up house with a thief or a serial killer. It is true that for a while Louise thought I was a chain smoker (smoking being something she detested)only because I was painfully shy, would disappear into my room with only a mumbled greeting and stay there for hours. Louise reckoned that somebody that anti-social must have a dark secret. She thought it strange that she could never smell the smoke, though. And one day the misunderstanding was cleared when I mentioned that I couldn’t stand smoking. How we laughed! As it turned out, staying at No 8 Ilcon Park, was one of the best choices I would ever make. For three blissful years Mutli, Louise and I lived happily together. I cannot recall one single fight.

Louise is one of those people who have a natural self-confidence, knows what she wants and usually gets it. At the very young age of 22 she was already a home owner – something I appreciated fully only after becoming a home owner at the ripe old age of 31 and then only with considerable help..

I was a bit neurotic, whereas Louise was calm personified. She loved parties and socializing and I was scared of people. But somehow things worked out and we got along really well.

Mutli was doted on by both of us. I was a student while Louise was already a working girl. As I was home more often than Louise, I took her for walks and generally spend a lot of time in her company.

She grew into a handsome dog and soon it was time for her first Scotty dog hair cut. She thought she looked utterly beautiful and as she jumped daintily out of the car, one of us started laughing. She was looking so different from before with the hair on her back trimmed sleek and those around her feet long, the whiskers and defined eyebrows. Big mistake. She was mortally offended and jumped straight back. Refused to come back out while we pleaded and cajoled.

What I loved about Mutli was her strong personality. I like cats more than I like dogs. Dogs are so loyal that they have the ability to make me feel slightly guilty. Whereas most dogs would be devastated if they are brushed off when they want attention, she merely whipped her tail into a curl and swanked off with a growl.

Once Louise made the mistake of letting her out for a potty break in the middle of the night and falling asleep on the couch, waiting for her to finish. Mutli must have growled and scratched at the door to be let in, but Louise was fast asleep. The next morning she woke up and overcome with remose, she ran to the door. Fortunately it was summer, as winters in the Free State can get rather chilly by South African standards. As she opened the door, in swept Ms Mutli. Head high and furious. She never spoke to Louise for the rest of that day.

Mutli had a special chair where she liked sleeping. It was really comfortable and we all made a beeline for it at night. Often I’d fall asleep in the chair only to have the living daylight scared out of me by waking up to a pitch black bearded face millimeteres from my own and a menacing growl. “Out you get”, the growl would say and even though I pretended to only humour Mutli by getting out of the chair, in reality I wouldn’t dare do otherwise.

The Growl was a standard Mutli issue. In turn it conveyed displeasure, issued command and asked questions. Mutli wasn’t much of a barker, but when she did bark, her voice was surprisingly deep for such a small dog. She hated thunder( a big dog barking at her) and growled at that too. (more…)

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