Parenting consists of a million choices a day and we fool ourselves into believing that our kid will turn out well only if we get each of these “right”. The truth is that our kid might be a reasonably well and happy human being despite our choices. We’re going to get some right (by our own standards) and many others not. And you can bet all your money on it that you’re going to get things wrong according to other parents most of the time.
If parenting consists of a million choices, the factors influencing our choices are even more complex. Most people might be able to understand our reasoning if we could explain the reason for our choices logically, but a) We cannot always explain why we are doing things the way we do and b) Chances are that most other parents would not make the same choices even if they understand why. So, isn’t it sad that the one thing we are all looking for – affirmation that we’re doing okay by our kids – is the one thing we are bound not to get?
Parenting a special needs kid compared to parenting a neurotypical kid may not be necessarily harder. I’m not even going to stick my neck out on this one. It depends on the child, the stage of his/her life, the support system and the attitude of the parent. But when the typical is thrown out the door, choices become more of an issue. Choices may impact on making it beyond the child’s first few days or on his or her ability to function in society later. But it also influences degrees of quality of life and comfort. There is just no predicting how it will go.
There are plenty of people out there who think they can advise you. But as you are the parent of a human being with his/her own unique make-up, there is no way anybody can tell you anything with certainty. No professional and no other parent – not even the parent of another child with the same special needs – can tell you how YOUR situation is going to pan out. And nobody has the right to judge your choices.
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One day a motorist was waiting patiently at a green light for an old lady to cross the road in front of his car. One of the other motorists behind him was hooting angrily. So, the first guy got out of his car, ambled up to the window of the guy hooting and calmly said:
“I’ll get in your car and hoot. You go get in mine and run her over. I don’t have the stomach for it today.”
2 responses so far ↓
terriblepalsy // November 21, 2007 at 4:59 am |
Okay, I will stick my neck out. The difficulty with parenting a child with special needs is the constant feeling of having your heart reside in your throat when you make the choices. I hate having the Drs, nurses and therapists in our lives. I hate the decisions that we are forced to make. The sacrifices. The isolation. The exhaustion. And most importantly – my sore back!
The easy part about it is Moo. Like today – I’m telling the doctors how clever he is. Moo hasn’t said a word during the whole appointment and has his mouth open like he is catching flies. The doctors are looking at me as if I’m dreaming that this kid can actually verbalise his thoughts, let alone tell between different colours. And I look over at Moo and he smiles at me and winks. Oh well, the drs can think what they want. He doesn’t seem to care so why should I?
You are right though – you can’t judge someone else’s decisions.
Nelba Vercuil // November 21, 2007 at 6:29 am |
Yeah I know. And thanks for saying it.
Thanks for pointing out that it is not the child that makes parenting difficult , but the associated crap. I didn’t quite know how to say it.
I had to laugh about Moo playing dumb! Atta boy!
It reminded me about how defensive I used to be around doctors (and even family and friends). Simply because I had the “He’s just suffering. It would be kinder….” scenario, too many times. I always felt like I should prove Loren’s receptive language skills or even the fact that he recognized and responded to us. And it still makes me want to weep in anger.