Eldest child syndrome

Dirk and I are the eldest children of two mothers who were eldest children themselves and teachers to boot. So, I can say safely that we both suffer from eldest child syndrome. We were both a little precocious – talking early, reading well before we went to school etc. At some point our peers may have caught up and even surpassed us, but I don’t think our mothers ever noticed!

Something that goes hand-in-hand with eldest child syndrome is the expectation of an emotional maturity that is a little over-the-top if not downright unfair. I clearly remember being scolded for not doing something which even I knew was never expected of my peers and responding with a quivering lip: “But Mommy, I’m just twelve years old!” My mother said that the words hit her like a ton of bricks.

Dirk is still the first person his mother phones when her world comes tumbling down – which can happen over trivia. He has often admitted feeling completely helpless and resentful when that happens.

And now we have Marco. Once again, a child who talked early and is clearly intelligent, perhaps fooling his doting parents and grandparents into believing that he is more gifted and more emotionally mature than he is. I don’t want to repeat the mistakes that the previous generation made. I’d like my children to develop at their own pace. And the older he is, the more I realize that. The danger is not in teaching him big words. The danger is in expecting behaviour and understanding beyond his three years.

Both my parents and Dirk’s parents are pushing us to potty train him. I believe that he is not fully ready. I’d rather take our time about this than end up with a child who feels pressurized. I’m okay with it if he stays on nappies until after the new baby comes. He shows no interest yet – just flatly refuses to either use the toilet or potty. And we are now heading into winter – which is not an ideal time to potty train anyway. My own father responded with alarm when I said that. And I calmly replied that it does not matter if he is not potty trained by four or even five years of age. Chances are that he is going to start objecting to wearing nappies sooner or later. Any of you ever heard of a college-aged kid insisting on wearing nappies?

If he wants to cut with scissors I let him hack into a few old magazines. But I don’t “train” him. By playing and exploring his dexterity will improve until he will be able to. From my good friend, Sanet I have learned that there is such a thing as overstimulation. That is why I will not let him go to playschool before he has had at least a year or two of simply playing with peers.

He has a number of letter games – puzzles, magnetic boards with letters – and he plays with them often. He understands that letters mean something and I tell him their names using the phonetic variation. We even spell simple words. I show them to Loren as well- who responds with bright eyes and clear interest to the shapes and colours. Marco does not remember the names of letters even though he will give them random names as he is lining them up on the board. And to me, that is enough for the moment. He is probably not going to be able to read by the time he is four – like his father has been – and that is okay!

He is very tuned into my emotions and I believe it is okay to respond to his:
“What’s wrong Mama?” with a simple explanation.
“Loren’s tummy is aching and it makes Mama sad when one of you hurt.”
But it is NOT okay to say:
“Loren is sick and I want you to behave yourself today, because I cannot stand you misbehaving on top of that!” His brother’s health is not his problem, nor is my reaction to it.

Dirk’s parents are visiting and there is a minefield of emotions to negotiate. Marco and Loren did not sleep well on Saturday night and by yesterday lunch time, Marco was a mess. He was tired and overexcited. I wanted him to eat his chicken and chips and he wanted none of that. So, he overturned the food onto the table. I reprimanded him, he started crying and he knocked my food off my fork. I marched him to the bedroom, scolded him and left him to cool off. After a minute or two of time-out, I went to fetch him and we kissed and made up and went back to the table. He still didn’t want anything to eat, but at least he was behaving himself better. My mother-in-law did not criticize my behaviour immediately, but later she said that a three-year-old have no way to say that he is hungry or sleepy or unhappy. Which is true. But it is equally true that his behaviour was revolting and I was not going to condone it. Understanding behaviour does not mean it is approved of.

Raising a child is a dificult thing if you want to do it well. I have to face that I’m going to make mistakes and that I’ve already made a few along the way.

But I have great faith in intuition and love.